with excerpts from: 3 Times It’s OK to Push Kids, by Mary Jo Wyse.

Encouraging and enabling our children to be productive members of society is a tricky undertaking for any parent at the best of times. The biggest challenge is to learn when to push, and when to wait for the consequences of previous poor choices to make new/different decisions more obvious.

Before we push our children to try something, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this for the child’s growth or am I just encouraging this because it’s something I want?”

BORED FIX

If I complained of boredom, my Mom’s go-to remark was “Call your friends, find something to do, or I’ve got lots of walls to wash.” 

Back then, to “call someone” in our neighborhood meant you went to their house, stood outside their door, and called their names. Phones were seldom used, and then only by adults. I was a bit shy when I was younger, but after lots of wall washing, I became more comfortable with finding “something to do” and “calling” my friends to do those things with me.

Because my mom pushed me a little to do something that was hard for me, I learned it’s okay to be vulnerable. And I also learned to keep trying. Sometimes a kid could come [out], sometimes not. But having to initiate my own play dates, I learned to talk with adults and work at friendships: two important life skills.   

Boredom’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it forces kids to get creative. But if your child’s stuck, it might be good to give…a little push toward solving the boredom problem…get [out of that] comfort zone to try something new. I remember feeling less and less fearful of adults and more independent and secure in the neighborhood.

DRIVE TIME

My mother started pushing me to learn to drive a car when I was sixteen, emphasis on getting a job, which would also enable me to buy/choose my own clothes.

My Dad had already taken me out several times years before to practice with my older sister, but I really wasn’t that interested. Besides, I knew if I learned to drive, I’d have to run errands and cart younger siblings (there were six of us) to activities and such. So, I chose not to take the Driver’s Ed course (it was a free part of school curriculum back then), and that summer got a job that I could walk to.

By the next summer, my senior year in high school, I realized the choice I’d made in this issue was like “cutting off my nose to spite my face.” Not being able to drive was hurting myself and keeping me dependent on others. Not a wise choice if I wanted to be independent and be on my own.

So, I took the course before my senior year in high school, got my license, and have never regretted that change of mind. I gained a lot of confidence by stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something that was for the benefit of myself, as well as others.

Mom didn’t push too hard, but gave me an incentive with the thought of a job with a paycheck to spend as I chose. It was my choice, and a chance at two types of independence: monetary and decision-making. I also learned to appreciate having a choice.

“You’re not always going to be able to push kids into doing something, nor should you always try… But if done carefully and gently, there are situations when it’s okay to push your kids a bit and is even essential to their growth and development.      

Sometimes, the fear of the unknown or inertia holds kids back. Challenge them to give [new things] a try. Gently push or encourage them... supporting them along the way is helpful, and it’ll give them confidence.”

Before we pressure our child(ren) to try something, we need to ask ourselves, “Is this going to benefit [my child] or me? When the focus is on our child(ren), a gentle push may be all that’s needed. Keeping the focus off of [ourselves] will also help prioritize [the child’s] mental health.”